all the pieces of my heart
by thepensword
Summary: Izuku's life slips away like sand between his fingers, blowing away on the wind. "Wait for us," say the voices of his friends, over and over, and over and over Izuku tries. He tries, he tries, he tries, and always, inevitably, he fails.


**TW for: death/dying, war, bombs, cancer, asphyxiation, blood, murder, suicide.**

 **Wow, that makes it sound really, really awful. I promise everything is non-graphic. However, this is a fic about death, so it is dark.**

* * *

It is night, and the sky is on fire.

 _Izuku, run!_ yells his mother. Her legs are trapped under a fallen beam. Explosions cast her face in an eery glow and she's framed by a halo of Izuku's tears.

"Mom—" he chokes out, but another explosion rings through the air, far too close. He flinches and throws his arms up around his face.

 _Go!_

"I can't!"

 _You must. Please, Izuku, please do this one thing for me. Please!_

Closer. Too close. Heat burns against his skin and rubble nicks his face.

 _Please!_

"I love you!" sobs Izuku, and then he runs.

 _I love you too,_ says his mother.

 _Boom._

 _Boom._

 _Boom._

A blinding white light. A scream, in his mother's voice. A cry, in his own. Pain, heat, noise—

Darkness.

* * *

Izuku is a boy who is loved.

His earliest memory is of his mother holding him tight, pressing a kiss to his curls and saying, _My beautiful boy._

Izuku has always been loved. And he's been lucky, for the most part. He's smart, he's kind, and he has friends who care for him. His best friend, Ochako, likes to swing her hand in his and dare him to jump over puddles, but even when he falls she just laughs like it's nothing and helps him up. The first time it happened, Izuku had felt hurt, but then she'd slipped and fallen herself, and she'd laughed at that, too. That was when Izuku learned that Ochako is a girl who loved to laugh.

Izuku loves her. He loves his friend Tenya. He loves his mom, and he loves Mr. Yagi who lives next door and helps with the groceries. He loves everyone, and everyone loves him.

He's happy. He's lucky. Life is good.

He soon learns that nothing lasts forever. Not even this.

Izuku is eight years old the first time it happens.

The room is hot, and cold. The walls spin around him and his chest is tight, tight, tight. He can't breathe. He can't think.

His mother finds him like that, gasping for breath like a fish out of water. She calls the hospital, and they hook him up to machines and stick a mask on his face. He can breathe again, but he's exhausted, and his mother is crying.

They ask him questions. They run tests. Izuku is scared, and tired, but he doesn't want to make his mother cry anymore so he does everything they ask him to. They don't let him go home, say they need to keep him under observation until they know what the problem is, so Izuku settles into his hospital bed with a comic book and a sweatshirt and waits and waits and waits.

Ochako visits, and brings him sunflowers. Tenya visits and brings him homework. _So you don't fall behind,_ he says. _Please get better soon._

"Thank you," says Izuku to the sunflowers. "Thank you," says Izuku to the homework.

He tries not to cry, but when he's alone at night in the darkness of the hospital, the tears come unbidden and there's nothing he can do to stop them.

Three days later, the test results come back. The doctor sits down on one side of the bed, his mother on the other, and with a blank, sympathetic face, the doctor reads from his clipboard.

 _Cancer,_ say the results in stark black letters. _Cancer in his lungs._

Izuku is loved. Izuku is happy.

Izuku is lucky, until one day he isn't.

They send him home with a tankful of oxygen and a month full of scheduled appointments. They say it's not too bad, that he might need surgery, but he'll probably be alright. He's young, and otherwise healthy, and they caught it early so there's hope.

Izuku lives in extremes. Things are good, or they are not. He is lucky, or he isn't.

He's walking with Mr. Yagi when it happens. It's a bright day, warm, and he's content. Mr. Yagi is laughing at something he said, and Izuku is laughing with him. Beaming. Breathless.

The laughter dies. Mr. Yagi catches his breath. Izuku doesn't.

Breathless. Breathless. Breathless.

The world is blurred, again. But this has happened before. Izuku's used to it. Used to the panic, the tightness, the voices calling his name and the inside of an ambulance. Used to the doors of the hospital opening up before him and the paramedics hooking him up to machines and giving him oxygen and drugs.

Except this time.

This time, they're not quite fast enough. This time, they don't quite make it.

Izuku is thirteen years old. Mr. Yagi's by his side, large hand holding his. The mask is on his face, the paramedics all around him, and he can't breathe.

He can't breathe. He can't breathe. He can't breathe.

The world is blurred, and then it is dimmed. It is dimmed, and then it is dark.

 _Izuku! Izuku, look at me. Stay with me. Izuku. Izuku!_

Mr. Yagi's blue eyes are blazing into his. It's the only thing Izuku can see.

It's the last thing Izuku ever sees.

 _Izuku!_

* * *

Izuku's heart beats fast in his chest. He presses his back to the wall, ignoring the sharp jab of bricks against his spine.

Something hot and warm dribbles down his leg. He clenches his teeth and ignores that too, tightening his hands. His left hand he tightens against his gut; his right hand he tightens around the handle of a gun.

 _Come out, come out, wherever you are,_ calls the sing-songy voice that he's come to hate. It's uncomfortably close.

Izuku feels sick.

 _Come now, Midoriya, be reasonable,_ says another voice. Deep, liquid, deceivingly calming. You can trust me, says that voice, and Izuku had. Like a fool, he had.

(Izuku is small, and powerless, and afraid. A dark shadow with gleaming yellow eyes looms over him and says, _I can help,_ and Izuku, the foolish child that he is, believes him.)

He has to do something. He has to do something. If he doesn't, he's done for.

In the end, the decision he makes is a stupid one. But he's not thinking straight. His blood is running outside of his body and he's beginning to feel light-headed.

Izuku steps out from behind the wall and raises his gun. In a split second, he points and aims and shoots.

 _Click._

Shigaraki laughs. He laughs and laughs and Izuku feels his limbs go numb with dread.

 _You fool,_ says Shigaraki. He moves, like lightning, like a viper striking at his prey, and his hand closes around Izuku's neck.

 _You were an idiot,_ says Shigaraki. _To think you could get away._

Everything crumbles.

Shigaraki laughs above him as he falls. Kurogiri hums, _What a shame,_ but does nothing.

Like sand trickling between his fingers, the world slips away.

* * *

 _Maybe you should kill yourself, then,_ says Kacchan cruelly. _And hope for a Quirk in the next life._

He turns and leaves, full of confidence. Izuku watches him go, heart pounding painfully in his chest, eyes prickling with tears, and thinks _maybe._

It's ridiculous.

"That's stupid," says Izuku to the silent, empty classroom. "You're stupid."

The next day, he stands on the roof and watches the city move. They don't care, do they? Who would care?

Izuku opens his arms. In the wind, they almost feel like wings.

"This is stupid," he whispers.

Then he falls. For a moment, it feels like flying.

But only for a moment.

 _No,_ says a voice by his side. Familiar, angry, desperate. _No! You idiot, I didn't think you'd...I didn't mean...I thought you were smarter! Please...please don't go…_

 _I'm sorry, Kacchan,_ thinks Izuku.

 _I'm sorry._

* * *

 _Have you ever thought about dying?_ asks Shouto. Izuku turns to him, startled.

"Why?"

Shouto shrugs. His eyes gaze forward, out the window, counting the stars.

 _Why not? I mean, the universe is so large. And here we are, so small. Anything could happen._

"But there's no use dwelling on it," insists Izuku. "Why think about dying when there's so much to live for?"

Shouto shrugs his shoulders. _I suppose,_ he says, and then doesn't mention it again.

Two weeks later, Izuku lies among the wreckage of the _One For All_ and remembers those words. The world is red with blood and shimmering with metal and sharp like glass.

"I think you were right, Shouto," he says around breathes that gurgle out of him like liquid. "In this universe, it's a good idea to keep an eye on death."

 _Izuku,_ begs Shouto, hands pressed to his side, trying to stop the blood. _Please. Save your strength. Stay awake._

"So it doesn't sneak up behind you," Izuku elaborates as the world starts to dim.

 _Izuku? Izuku!_

Izuku reaches up and cups his hand around Shouto's neck. He pulls him close, until their foreheads are touching and they can feel each other's breath on their faces.

"Goodbye, Shouto," he says.

Shouto's hair tickles his eyelids. Something wet falls against his cheek. _Wait for me,_ he begs. _In the next life, wait for me._

"I promise," says Izuku.

* * *

They won.

They won, they won, they won.

They won, but at a cost.

One for All burns in his hand, the ancient sword gleaming in the faint light of the rising sun, and…

Izuku is dying.

 _We did it!_ cries Ochako, jumping up and down. _I can't believe it! Deku, we—_

Her eyes meet his. Her smile dies.

 _Oh my gods._

She rushes towards him and catches him as he falls. Her voice calls out for help, and the others surround him.

 _Is he alright?_ asks Kirishima, back in human form, scales still peeling away from his face.

 _What's going on?_ demands Yaoyarozu, pushing forward.

 _Izuku?_ calls Tsuyu, sounding worried.

Kacchan's fire rages around them. _Stay back,_ he shouts, and then it's just the five of them, same as it's always been. Ochako whispers encouragement in his ear. Tenya inspects him for injuries that Izuku knows aren't there. Kacchan orders him to stay awake, and reprimands him for not being more careful. Shouto's cool fingers dance along his cheeks, brushing his skin and beating out the rhythm of his heartbeat.

 _Stay with us,_ say the voices of his friends, and Izuku wants to. For their sake, at least, he wants to stay.

Unfortunately, Izuku has never had good luck getting what he wants.

One For All is a gift, and One For All is a curse. All Might's spirit has long since been spent, but the battle was far from won. So Izuku had poured his own power into it. His own life.

Nothing can be given without something in return, and in this case, Izuku simply does not have enough to give.

"I'm sorry," he says.

 _Izuku!_

"I'll wait for you," he promises. He catches their eyes, holding each gaze for a moment, so they understand, so they know. "I'll wait for you."

 _No!_

* * *

 _You'll all be fine,_ says Sir Nighteye, face grim. _He's going to the surface to take back Eri and…_ his eyes, steely and intense, find Uraraka's gaze. _...kill Midoriya._

 _No,_ says Uraraka. _No. Not again._

Again?

 _Nobody knows what the future holds until it happens,_ she says. _I'll change the future._

Izuku burns above, bright and heroic. He is smeared with dirt and blood. He is exhausted. Eri's arms around his neck are shaking with fear and power and Izuku pushes through it all. He punches. He kicks. He burns with the will to survive, and not only to survive, but to save the girl on his back, and to save all of his friends below.

"Who am I if I can't even save a little girl in trouble?!" he shouts, chest heaving. "I'm going to be the hero who saves everyone!"

Chisaki's face curls into a snarl and Izuku is falling.

He's falling. He's falling. The sky above is blue, and Izuku's life is before him.

" _No,"_ he says, and twists as he falls. He lands facing forward, to save Eri.

His wrists and ankles shatter. Pain flashes through him and is instantly swept away.

Chisaki closes in, darkness swirling in his eyes. Izuku holds Eri close and stares death in the face and thinks, _this is the end._

Eri chokes out a cry and buries her head in his neck. Her tears are molten against his skin.

 _I'll twist fate,_ thinks Izuku. _This is the fist that opens up the future._

Chisaki closes in. The world is in chaos.

Izuku launches his fist into the air.

* * *

He wins.

* * *

The hospital room is quiet. The others were released hours ago, sent home to clean up and recover. Eri refused to leave his side, and is curled up on the bed with her head on his chest. She looks peaceful, in sleep, the steady rise and fall of her breathing a constant reminder that she is alive, that he saved her, that he triumphed. A reminder that for once, he survived.

For once?

The door opens slowly. Uraraka walks in, footsteps quiet. She's carrying sunflowers. They bloom energetically, like tiny explosive suns, and Izuku can't look away.

They look like memories.

She's not alone. Behind her is Iida, and Todoroki, and Kacchan. The latter is a surprise, and even more surprising than his presence is the calm on his face. He's not smiling, like Uraraka, or concerned, like Iida. He looks subdued, eyebrows furrowed, gaze directed downwards.

They sit around his bed. Izuku offers a weak smile and runs a gentle hand over Eri's hair.

"You're alive," says Todoroki. "We saw you, on the news. We were worried."

Iida nods enthusiastically. Kacchan looks away.

"Sir Nighteye said—" Uraraka begins, but Izuku puts his hand on hers.

"I know."

They are silent. The window, open just slightly at the top, allows a slight breeze to trickle through, stirring the curtains. Izuku's eyes are stuck on the sunflowers.

"Do you remember?" asks Kacchan.

Izuku closes his eyes.

"Yes," he says. "I remember."

Iida sits forward, eyes sharp. "Then is it over?" he asks, voice as strong and intense as ever, but a slight wobble in it revealing his tension.

"I don't know."

Another silence, as they all think about this. Memories flash through their minds. Memories of life, and of death.

"Do you ever think about dying?" asks Izuku. Todoroki looks up, eyes sharp, and beside him Uraraka lets out a barely audible gasp.

Kacchan surges forward suddenly. His hands grasp for Izuku's, holding on so tightly that it hurts. "No," he says, low and intense. "Think about living." He sits back, looking angry, and regretful. "Stupid Deku."

Izuku can't help but smile.

"You waited," says Todoroki. "This time, you waited."

"Yes," says Izuku. "I suppose I did."

* * *

 **oh you thought it was gonna end with Izuku dying again? sorry, nope. i am incapable of writing anything but a happy ending. it's a design flaw.**

 **thanks for reading! leave me a comment if you're feeling up to it!**


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